“All you need is love!”

May 20th, 2012 by Claire Thomson BSc Msc (Human Communication) PG Dip (Counselling) MBACP

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I believe that being in loving relationships is what we need to be happy. The kind of happy that is a feeling of security and contentment that allows us to relax to be who we truly are.
But what is love and why does it make us feel happy?
Love is a caring bond that attaches us to our significant others at many levels but mainly emotionally, physically and intellectually. We human beings are social creatures and as such we are born ready to engage and interact with those close to us who are caring for us. Research now shows that these important first emotional experiences produce the “feel good” hormones in our bodies. So the sense of happiness is not just an idea or thought but a physical felt sense experienced within.
As adults when we are happily in relationship with our partners we are constantly experiencing good bonding moments through physical affection, caring acts, humour and so on and this promotes the feeling good both in our minds and hearts but in our bodies too.
So it seems so simple this idea of love being all we need and in some ways it is. However, for many of us this is not the case.

What goes wrong? Why is it so difficult to keep our relationships loving and ourselves happy?
It is when our emotional connection to our loved one breaks down that we will become distressed. This could be anything from a chance remark that hurts or a feeling that builds up over time when there is an illness or extra hours required at work. If we feel our special bond is under threat we usually react in one of two ways. We either “fight” to engage our other half in some way to bring the attention back to the relationship and re-establish the connection. Or we “take flight” we withdraw in some way physically, emotionally, or both to avoid the distress of the lack of connection and to protect ourselves from hurt. Not surprisingly a lot of couples are made up of one of each type! Unless you have two people who are very aware of the parts they play in their fights (and can head arguments off at the pass) conflict will occur when a breach of closeness happens. A cycle of discord is set up whereby one partner is pursuing the other to regain that feeling of security while their loved one is doing the opposite, withdrawing, but for the same reason – to feel safe!
Negative ideas of our partners can crystalise and unhelpful patterns of communication and behaviour set in. Once this happens our connections with each other usually deteriorate and our loving feelings will be replaced by other “feel bad” emotions such as anger or hurt and sadly, it is all too easy for this to happen.
How does this happen?
A relationship can be thought of as an entity in its own right. Like a baby it depends on the couple to nurture and care for it. In general good relationships take time, thought and effort.

Unfortunately, this is seldom acknowledged or acted on. Some of us fall into the trap of thinking that a relationship can be good without consciously caring for it. This just isn’t the case. Also today most of us lead busy lives where there is barely enough time to take care of ourselves let alone our relationships. For most people it is hard to put regular time aside for this. Plus, there is a lack of value in our society for taking care of our own and our family’s emotional needs as much as our material or practical needs so we are not supported at times to put the wellbeing of our relationships first.

Source: http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/all-you-need-is-love